Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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