i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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