Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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