So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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