First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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