maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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