Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
