Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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