so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I wish there were birth control emojis
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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