and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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