I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
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