the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
They are going to name an STD after you.
Let's get the cat blown out
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
