i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
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He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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