My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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