dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
