I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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