My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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