Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
