I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
