Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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