$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
