I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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