his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
