I met the friendliest cop last night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
