i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
