I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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