fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
