i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
