shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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