I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
