We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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