So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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