I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
