ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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