Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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