Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
