Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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