I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
