you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
