I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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