I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
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Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
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When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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