At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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