Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
