Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Randomize
