Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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