those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
