im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
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Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize