This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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