I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
