Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
