All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
