I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
