thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
