Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
