the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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