Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am available for nakedness
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
