you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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