How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
