Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
this just has baby written all over it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
