i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
