I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
