I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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